Eugene Havens

“There is no finish line …”

It was a popular ad slogan many years back for a sneaker company. “There is no finish line.” It was a sentiment that captured the passion of distance runners. They don’ train just to win. They train out of a love for their sport.

Can this apply to parents as well?

Some parents have a passion for parenting.

Some parents have a passion for parenting. (If you read parenting blogs, you clearly qualify.) Passionate parents let their love inspire them to do more. Not for a pat on the back. These parents want to make their kids’ childhoods extraordinary. What does it look like to be a better parent? Better is just a word. How does it work?

Looking for unspoken needs

To be a better parent takes, naturally, knowing your children’s needs. In my case, we have two young boys. They have pretty simple needs right now. We given them food, hugs, and a little discipline here and there. They love to spend time with us. We can do no wrong. Right now, every day feels like a victory lap!

I’m not parenting for myself, I need to remind myself.

I know it won’t always be this way. I can count my kids growing and changing. Every day, they become a little smarter. More dynamic. Their needs will be ever-growing.

It’s easy to see good times as a routine. To believe that fun and appreciation are what I deserve as a parent. It’s what makes me want to be a better parent. I’m not parenting for myself, I need to remind myself. It’s for them. What do they need? I’m not sure I know the answer, but by asking it, I’m encouraged to find one.

Being purposeful about it

One might wonder, why all this talk about better parenting? Is it for parents who are bored? For parents who don’t’ have enough to do already?

It could seem that way, for sure. A day of parenting is often controlled chaos, a mini-hurricane with childish grins. Not a lot of time to reflect on performance. And yet, we know being purposeful is the way to get better at anything.

Great results don’t happen by accident.

Great results don’t happen by accident. Take legendary athletes. Their stories are filled with hard work. None of them made it on natural ability alone. It stands to reason, a good parent will need to take purposeful steps to be a better one.

No undo in childhood

We know parenting is a big deal. Without so much as filling out an application, we’re given responsibility of another person. Not by the State, but by our Creator. It’s an awesome job. How I interact with my kids will have an affect for the rest of their lives. (Try saying that every morning!}

How I interact with my kids will have an affect …

Then, serious stuff. Many adult problems are tied to childhood issues: drug above, depression, stress, sleeping and eating disorders, gambling addictions, and mental health issues. It’s even said that brain development can be affected by childhood trauma brought on by, among other things, neglectful parenting.

Maybe it’s not so nerdy to want to be the best parent we can be.

Moment to moment parenting

I don’t know about you. What I focus on naturally is what’s right in front of me. My kids live in the moment. They pull me in that direction. I can end up viewing parenthood in moment to moment increments. “Did that moment go well?”

Family life is one day at a time, for sure. But individual moments don’t always go well. Having to say “no” is not fun. It takes a strong parent to remember why no is important, when a child whines, cries, or frowns in response.

Satisfying my kids’ needs is a short-term way to judge parenting

Satisfying my kids’ needs is a short-term way to judge parenting. It’s not the full picture. As a parent, I need to aim higher than my child’s fickle happiness. As much as I love them, my kids can’t be the final say. Parents need to think bigger.

Parenting for the future

Besides, living in the moment can give me contrary results. Years from now, we’ll all be living the results of our parenting decisions. What will that future look like?

… we’ll all be living the results of our parenting decisions.

Good parents accept the responsibility of their parenting. They know there will be an outcome one way or another. Bad parents believe their lazy parenting won’t ever matter.

Good parents sweat their daily decisions because they want tomorrow to be wonderful for their kids. They want their adult children to be well-adjusted and fulfilled, genuinely happy.

Only, parenting for the future can feel like flying blind. What will we wish we’d done? What will be important then? How do we make the right decisions now?

A love that inspires action

A lot goes into parenting well, and yet it’s hardly an academic activity! (We’re dealing with offspring who run on impulse, after all.) It’s hard to see clearly how to do parenting better. And yet, we know that better is out there to grasp and achieve. It always is.

The hardest part may lie in going from “good” to “better.” Good parents often create a stable home environment for their families. There’s room for improvement, surely, but where? In what direction will tomorrow’s problem come from?

Parents who are passionate about their families want to learn and grow …

Parents who are passionate about their families want to learn and grow, just as their kids are naturally going everyday. To do this may take putting aside the pride of family that parents hold dear. We may need to stay, strangely, a little unsatisfied.

The cost of better parenting?

Many of us will quietly admit, we grow the most when there’s a conflict in our lives. We soak up the good times, but we learn when there’s a challenge. Many parents know this firsthand, because they face parenting challenges daily.

We’ve had our own challenges with the health of our younger son. We’ve spent many days in the hospital. Our son has needed constant care. We’ve worked around the clock to get him better. Things are improving.

Staying a little unsatisfied may be one of those habits.

We don’t know the trials that come with older children. We can only try to put good habits in place. Staying a little unsatisfied may be one of those habits.

Unsatisfied vs. dissatisfied

“You want to be dissatisfied with your family?” No, slightly unsatisfied.

Bq … you don’t have it all together. You need to stay aware.

Sounds the same, doesn’t it? Dissatisfied is the negative one. Dissatisfied means there’s something wrong. Whereas, unsatisfied means incomplete. Slightly discontent. It means, you don’t have it all together. You need to stay aware.

What if better parenting is basically keeping on your toes? Doing the things you know to do? Loving your kids unconditionally, meeting their needs? And when things go well, enjoying it fully. Also, looking ahead soberly. I want to be a proud parent. But also, I want to be a reliable judge of what my family needs.

… I want to be a reliable judge of what my family needs.

A coach of a team, a captain of a ship, a CEO of a company. All need a bit of detachment in order to lead well.

The authority side of parenting

Leaders today aren’t held in high esteem. That’s putting it mildly, of course. Regardless, parents are leaders. They need to be. Being a slightly dissatisfied parent is just another way of saying, assuming a leadership role at home.

It was never a desire for me to be a boss at work, let alone at home. Here I am, with two small boys. I decide when my 3 1/2 year old has eaten enough dinner. How much he can jump on the couch. How much YouTube Kids he can watch.

I have a duty to be good dad, like it or not.

In the eyes of my older son, I’m a boss! It’s something he responds to. He likes boundaries. (Most of the time.) It would be selfish for me to shirk my parental authority. It would be for me, not him. I have a duty to be boss dad, like it or not.

Why I want to be a better parent

No one’s asking me to up my dad game. My wife is happy. My kids seem happy. I’m happy, as well. It’s exactly what makes it necessary to be a better parent!

Falling into a routine can happen. Getting busy or distracted. Overlooking the kids as they grow. Taking them for granted. To be a better parent means holding myself accountable to the toughest critic in the house, me.

Will I do the work to evaluate not only my kids, but myself as well?

My parenting decisions are made from the heart but also on the fly. Will I do the work to evaluate not only my kids but myself as well? We’re each a work-in-progress. This post isn’t titled, “how to be a better parent.” The goal is the thing. If we’re trying, we’ll get there. However better looks for each of our families.

More than X’s and O’s

Parenting blogs are a place where we give ourselves permission to reflect. Being a parent is more than X’s and O’s. It requires our whole heart, and a leap of faith.

It requires our whole heart, and a leap of faith.

My kids will never know what my goals were for parenthood. THey’ll see the actions I take. My performance is all that will matter. I may be a boss, so to speak. I have a boss myself. It’s the act of serving them.

I love that my kids are growing up happy. that I’m a big source of their happiness, even better. I’m excited to help make their childhoods remarkable. We have a lot of ground to cover. Hopefully, they look back and think it was easy.

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Are you a parent who sets goals for yourself? What does that look like in your family? Let us know it the comments.

This post first appeared at The Joyful Father.

All photos © Eugene Havens